


Ginny Says

by unknowableroom_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-10-31
Updated: 2005-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-19 07:18:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12405666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unknowableroom_archivist/pseuds/unknowableroom_archivist
Summary: Hyperness Sugar - the newest invention of the Weasley Wizarding Wheezes. You can probably guess what happens next.





	Ginny Says

**Author's Note:**

> Note from ChristyCorr, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Unknowable Room](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Unknowable_Room), a Harry Potter archive active from 2005-2016. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project after May 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Unknowable Room collection profile](http://www.archiveofourown.org/collections/unknowableroom).

** GINNY SAYS **

 

(A/N: I don’t really have anything witty to say right now.

Oh, I know (not really witty, but whatever): Be warned - this is your typical crack!fic, with lots of capslock!yelling and stuff like that.)

*

Everybody at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was hyper. Apparently except for the Slytherins though, but only because their hyperness was shown only within the safety of the walls of their common room, walls, or whatever.

 

Yes, even the Ravenclaws were hyper.

 

But the Gryffindors were hyperest.

 

Fred and George, before escaping from Hogwarts, had played one more, final, very memorable prank.

 

When Ginny entered Hogwarts for her sixth year, slightly late, and the last person to arrive, she, as with everybody else in the school, was immediately sprayed with a humungous shower of a new invention of the Weasley Wizarding Wheezes.

 

Hyperness Sugar.

 

‘Oh man oh man oh man, I’m like sooooooooooooooooooo hyper right now,’ she immediately started gushing. ‘I’m like, totally hyper on sugar. I am like, soooooooooooo, like, hyper.’

 

Even Snape was hyper. This was slightly disturbing and a little creepy. Not to mention ‘freaky’ as well.

 

‘I’M LIKE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FRIGGIN’ HYPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ he yelled, dancing on the teacher’s table and knocking all the plates and stuff to the floor, which no one complained about because they were doing the same thing anyway.

 

The teachers were all ‘like, sooooooooooooooooooo hyper’ they decided to cancel all the classes and have lots of fun for the day.

 

‘THIS IS A ONE TIME LIMITED OFFER! BUY NOW!’ screamed McGonagall, dancing to the tune of ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears.

 

‘BUY WHAT?’ the student population of Hogwarts yelled back at her.

 

‘THIS!’ she shouted, pulling out a random blueberry pie from behind her back. She threw it at a random person, who just so happened to be Harry Potter.

 

‘OH MAN YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOO DEAD MCGONAGALL!’ he yelled, laughing uncontrollably.

 

‘NO, I’M HYPER!’

 

‘WHATEVER!’ screamed Harry, throwing another random pie, this time apple, at her, but she ducked at it hit Lupin instead, who just so happened to be there. Everyone promptly stopped being over-hyper for the moment to turn to stare at him.

 

‘What are you doing here?’ asked Moody, who also happened to be there. Everyone stared at him instead, including Lupin.

 

‘Hi,’ said the ghost of Quirrell, waving at everyone as he floated the width of the Great Hall. Everyone looked at him, then turned back to stare at Moody’s weird blue eye again, because it was just…soooooooo…addictive…to stare at…

 

‘NOOOOO! MUST…NOT…BECOME…ADDICTED!’ yelled Ron, wrenching his gaze away from Moody to stare at the ceiling instead. ‘Ooh…ceilingy…so…nice…’ he added, his eyes widening in marvel at the magnificent ceiling.

 

‘Yes, it’s got a very nice whitish-creamish-beigish sort of colour,’ agreed Hermione, also staring at the ceiling.

 

‘What?’ said the readers in confusion. ‘It’s supposed to mimic the weather outside, isn’t it?’

 

‘Oh, right,’ said the author.

 

AN EDIT LATER

 

‘NOOOOO! MUST…NOT…BECOME…ADDICTED!’ yelled Ron, wrenching his gaze away from Moody to stare at the ceiling instead. ‘Ooh…ceilingy…so…nice…’ he added, staring at the ceiling.

 

‘Ouch!’ cried Hermione, who had tried to copy Ron but ended up getting an eyeful of rainwater for her efforts.

 

There was a silence, except for the rain, which was slowly soaking everyone head to foot.

 

‘I’m bored,’ the author suddenly announced, who just so happened to be there. No one turned to stare at her, because she didn’t like too much attention, and because of her author’s omnipotence, everyone had to do what she said, such as this:

 

‘I know!’ cried Ginny, a light bulb flashing above her head. ‘Let’s play ‘Simon Says’!’

 

‘But no one likes Simon,’ Ron pointed out pointedly. Simon burst into tears, caught pneumonia from the rain, or tears, whichever, and promptly died.

 

‘Honestly Ron, you are _tactless_ ,’ huffed Hermione, rolling her eyes.

 

‘IT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE WE’RE ALL HYPER!’ screamed Draco Malfoy suddenly. Everyone yelled their agreement.

 

‘FINE THEN, LET’S PLAY ‘GINNY SAYS’!’ shouted Ginny.

 

‘No, let’s play ‘Dumbledore Says’!’ suggested Dumbledore. Everyone ignored him.

 

‘How about ‘McGonagall Says’?’ said McGonagall. Everyone ignored her.

 

‘Snape Says?’

 

‘Lupin Says?’

 

‘Moody Says’?’

 

‘Ghost of Quirrell Says?’

 

‘Ron Says?’ Everyone turned to stare at Ron. He blew a raspberry in everyone’s general direction, which doesn’t really make sense but who cares.

 

‘NO! GINNY SAYS!’ the one known as Ginny screamed.

 

‘Okay,’ said everyone simultaneously, because the author had run out of ideas on how to make this argument continue humourously.

 

‘Ooooooookaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!’ Ginny yelled joyously, jumping onto the teachers’ table. ‘Ginny says…put your right foot out!’

 

Everyone obediently put their right foot out.

 

‘Ginny says…put your right foot in!’

 

Everyone obediently put their right foot in.

 

‘Ginny says…put your right foot out!’

 

Everyone obediently put their right foot out.

 

‘Now shake it all about!’

 

Every Muggle student in the room had recognised the song and so shook it all about, except for Hermione because she’s smart.

 

‘HA HA! YOOOOUUUUUU LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE!’ Ginny shrieked in delight, pointing an accusatory finger at them. They all looked put out and left the Hall in abject mortification.

 

‘Now…TO CONTINUE! Ginny says SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT!’

 

Everybody shook it all about except for Draco Malfoy, who would _never ever_ do such a degrading thing as shake it all about.

 

Ginny decided to overlook that because she secretly thought Malfoy was kinda hot. No one else noticed, so that was lucky.

 

‘Ginny says…hug Professor Snape!’

 

Snape squeaked in terror as everyone quickly ran over to group-hug him. When he was released, he choked and promptly fell over. Luckily, Dumbledore, in the midst of all this hyperness, thought to conjure a pillow for him before he hit his head on the hard stone floor.

 

Ginny’s eyes flicked over to where Professor Snape was lying face down, slowly being suffocated by the pillow, and motioned for someone to flip him over. McGonagall obligingly did so, and Ginny’s attention returned to the game.

 

‘Do a handstand!’ she yelled.

 

Neville Longbottom attempted to flip himself over and fell onto the floor. ‘Oh, dear,’ Hermione murmured, checking his pulse. Everybody waited in tense silence until Hermione said, ‘He’s okay, people!’

 

Everyone cheered and turned to Ginny, anticipating her next order.

 

‘Ginny says…’ And here she paused. What would she get them to do? Her gaze roved across the room until it came to rest on one person, and said person raised an eyebrow.

 

Ginny stuck out her tongue at him. ‘Ginny says slap Draco Malfoy!’ she shouted, pointing at him.

 

Malfoy looked momentarily terrified until he uttered a squeak that sounded frighteningly like Snape’s as his eyes widened at the sight of every single person in the Great Hall charging towards him, and took off at a dead run to the library.

 

Ginny cocked her head to one side. ‘Hmm…oh, I know!’ she said, hopping off the table and jogging towards the doors. She paused and yelled over her shoulder, ‘GINNY SAYS FOLLOW ME!’

 

Everyone obediently followed her to wherever she was going, which just so happened to be the library, which was also where Malfoy was hiding.

 

Ginny tried the door handle. It wouldn’t budge. It was… _locked_. Everyone collectively gasped at this new revelation.

 

‘Gasp!’ gasped Hermione.

 

‘Gasp!’ said Ron.

 

‘Gasp!’ cried Harry.

 

‘Gasp!’ went Ginny, pulling out her wand. Everyone collectively gasped at this new revelation.

 

‘Gasp!’ gasped Hermione.

 

‘Gasp!’ said Ron.

 

‘Gasp!’ cried Harry.

 

Ginny rolled her eyes, pointed the wand at the door, and said, ‘ _Alohomora_!’

 

‘Gasp!’ said Ron. ‘You can do… _magic_?’

 

‘Isn’t that what we come here to learn?’ asked Harry confusedly, glancing at Ron.

 

Ron thought about it for a minute.

 

‘Good point.’

 

He looked around. Everyone was…gasp… _gone_!

 

‘Where has everybody gone?’ he sang to the tune of ‘Where Have All the Flowers Gone’.

 

‘No! Please no!’ someone cried out in anguish.

 

‘Oh all right,’ Ron pouted, and entered the library.

 

Ginny had cornered Malfoy in a corner of the Love/Hate Romance and Mystery/Suspense and Action/Adventure section of the shelves. Ron had no idea how she’d managed to corner Malfoy in three sections all at once, but he decided to ask Hermione later — she’d probably know, she knew everything.

 

‘ _How_ did she _do_ that?’ Hermione muttered to herself, surveying the scene.

 

‘Do what?’ asked Ron, coming up behind her.

 

‘How on earth did Ginny manage to corner Malfoy in three sections all at once?’ Hermione asked no one in particular.

 

Ron’s shoulders slumped. So maybe Hermione _didn’t_ know everything after all. ‘I was hoping you’d know.’

 

Everyone gasped at this new, shocking revelation.

 

‘Gasp!’ cried Harry.

 

And etcetera, etcetera, so on.

 

After everyone had had their turn at gasping at this new, shocking revelation, Hermione thought about how appropriate it was that Ginny had Malfoy cornered in the Love/Hate Romance and Mystery/Suspense and Action/Adventure sections of the bookshelves.

 

Because of course, everyone knows that when ‘Fire’, represented by Ginny, has ‘Ice’, represented as Malfoy, held in some sort of fear-inducing position, in this case cornered in the Love/Hate Romance and Mystery/Suspense and Action/Adventure section of the bookshelves in the library when Madame Pince was so conveniently hyper and thus not around but being conveniently hyper, a Love/Hate Romance inevitably develops.

 

The Mystery/Suspense bit, of course, is to the characters, who are not supposed to know about this Love/Hate Romance inevitably developing thing. But in the midst of all the hyperness going around, everyone had at some point which was not mentioned somehow read fanfictions.

 

‘So,’ said Ginny. ‘I finally have you cornered, Malfoy.’

 

Everyone nodded in agreement.

 

‘Now…’

 

Malfoy cowered.

 

‘Why did I chase you here again?’

 

Malfoy blinked.

 

‘To slap him?’ Harry said helpfully. Malfoy scowled. Harry stuck out his tongue.

 

They began a who-can-stick-out-their-tongue-the-best war/competition/contest/thingy.

 

Ginny very helpfully stopped this with…gasp… _magic_.

 

‘Good,’ she said, sort of satisfied-ly. ‘Yes, now to slap you, Malfoy.’

 

Malfoy cowered again.

 

Ginny raised her hand…

 

Malfoy cowered in a coward-ly-ish sort of way…

 

Ginny brought her hand down.

 

‘Ouch,’ said Malfoy, bringing a hand to his cheek.

 

Ginny grinned. ‘Ha.’ She looked around. ‘This is the part where everyone proceeds to conveniently step out so that the sappy romance scene can take place.’

 

‘Okay,’ everyone agreed unanimously, and proceeded to conveniently step out so that the sappy romance scene could take place.

 

‘That was really rather convenient of them,’ Malfoy commented.

 

‘You mean it’s really convenient for us,’ Ginny corrected.

 

‘Whatever.’

 

(insert some sappy romance scene here)

 

‘Well, that was sappy,’ said Ron, watching through a window with everyone else. 

 

Harry stared at him. ‘You’re supposed to be freaking out.’

 

‘Right.’ Ron cleared his throat. ‘I’m freaking out over here!’

 

‘Good,’ Hermione approved. She went back to looking through the window.

 

Ron, trying to spy and freak out at the same time, but not having much success, suddenly spotted something. ‘Hey! I just spotted something!’

 

‘Woof,’ said Spot the dog. Crookshanks scared him off.

 

Ron cleared his throat. ‘ANYWAY…like I was saying…I just spotted something!’

 

‘What is it?’ said the slightly muffled voice of Harry, who had his face pressed up against the window.

 

‘Look!’ cried Ron dramatically, pointing. Everyone looked.

*

_Dun na na!_

 

Malfoy now had Ginny in a somewhat ‘compromising’ position.

 

No, not that, you pervy gits. Yes, their clothes are still on, you sick, sick, people.

 

AN EDIT LATER SO AS TO STOP THE AFOREMENTIONED PERVY GITS FROM DROOLING ALL OVER THEIR KEYBOARDS AND SUING ME

 

_Dun na na!_

 

Malfoy now had Ginny backed up against the wall.

 

He suddenly had a very strong urge to

 

AN EDIT LATER SO AS THE AUTHOR (ie ME) CAN ESCAPE WRITING SOMETHING MORE SAPPY THAN SHE HAS TO WRITE

 

The author waited.

 

‘WHERE IS THE DRAMATIC MUSIC!’ she screamed. ‘Wait, what’s this?’ she said, conveniently finding a conveniently placed note on a conveniently placed table in the oh-so-convenient library.

 

‘We quit,’ she read. ‘Sincerely, Orchestra. Stupid gits. Oh well, we’ll just have to do without it. We’re running on a budget here, you know. On with the scene!’

*

Malfoy now had Ginny pinned to wall, holding her arms down at her sides to stop her from attacking him and deftly avoiding her kicks as well.

 

Ginny gave up, exhausted. She glared at him. He smirked.

*

The author suddenly popped up again in your field of vision, er, imagination. Thingy.

 

Anyway, she cheerfully reminded the readers, ‘This indicates that an important sappy romance scene, or at least as sappy a romance scene as I can write, which really isn’t very, is coming up!’

 

Then she disappeared.

 

‘There is no Apparating or Disapparating within the Hogwarts boundaries,’ Hermione reminded the author, rolling her eyes and examining her nails, a very bored look on her face.

 

Here the author swatted her and rolled _her_ eyes. ‘ _Portkey_ , you idiot.’

 

Hermione huffed angrily. ‘ _Fine.’_ __

__

Luckily, the author was just _too smart_ to fall into this trap of endless ‘Fine’-ing.

 

Oh well, back to the impeding sappy romance scene of doom (at least for me, anyway).

*

So anyway, Malfoy smirked arrogantly and Ginny stuck out her tongue at him.

 

The author quietly and rather glumly gathered up her rather extensive collection of notes on how to write sappy romance scenes and glumly trotted off to type the aforementioned sappy romance scene. No one noticed.

 

Suddenly they both noticed at the same time that they were only, say, three or four inches away from each other. However, for some reason, cough cough, neither of them moved.

 

Until Malfoy moved a little closer…and closer…and closer…until their faces were only an inch apart and it was getting a little hard to focus…

 

‘Hey,’ said Ron, popping in. Ginny and Malfoy promptly jumped apart, Ginny blushing furiously and Malfoy even having a slight pinkish colour in his pale skin, missing yet another excellent opportunity for a D/G snog. The author collapsed in relief and nearly — note, NEARLY — hugged Ron.

 

‘What happened?’ Ron asked suspiciously, glancing from Malfoy to Ginny, Ginny to Malfoy, then back again, simply for drama’s sake, since he already knew what had almost happened but had to pretend he didn’t for drama’s sake.

 

‘Nothing,’ said Ginny quickly.

 

‘Well…okay,’ said Ron. ‘I just wanted to tell you guys that the author has just informed me that we’re running on a budget, and a schedule here. Your slow drama is beginning to irritate her, because for one, you’re wasting time, and for another, you’re wasting precious film.’

 

‘…And you aren’t?’ Malfoy said, glaring at Ron.

 

‘Shut up, ferret face.’ Ron popped back out.

 

‘Looks like they’re wrapping up,’ someone said, noting that Ron had popped out and that this was Malfoy and Ginny’s cue to finish their scene and wrap up.

 

‘Oh dear,’ said Harry. ‘We’d better go hide somewhere.’

 

Everyone went to hide somewhere.

 

Ginny and Malfoy — now ‘Draco’ because he was a friend, or something more as is according to proper protocol and procedure for Love/Hate Romances — exited the library. They were happy.

 

‘Well, don’t they look happy,’ commented Hermione in a whisper.

 

‘What happened to all the hyperness?’ Ron hissed.

 

Everyone shrugged in unison.

 

‘ALL RIGHT EVERYBODY!’ Ginny suddenly yelled, making everyone jump. ‘Let’s continue the game!’

 

‘Fine,’ said Harry. ‘But just ONE more, because this game doesn’t really bring much opportunity for hyperness anymore.’

 

‘Okay,’ agreed Ginny. ‘Then we all go read fanfictions.’

 

Everyone cheered.

 

‘Right then.’ Ginny cleared her throat. ‘Ginny says…REVIEW!!!’

*

(A/N: You heard her…REVIEW! Or you shall lose the game and mope in shame forever after!

 

Hey, that rhymed.)


End file.
